The door clicked open as walked into the small mediation room followed by her lawyer. Shane couldn’t help but notice that there was something off-kilter about her. Sure she had been through a lot but this was… different. She had dark black circles under her eyes, her skin was red and patchy from crying and something felt very ominous about her presence. She seemed small and frail – her no-longer-shiny hair pulled back into a messy bun – and she no longer smiled at him the way she used to. In fact, she couldn’t even bring herself to look him in the eye anymore. The light in her eyes had dulled to the point where he wasn’t even sure it still existed and, had he not spent so many years with her, he would never have recognised her to be his soon-to-be ex-wife. She looked somewhat unhinged, like any sign of life had been completely drained from her. Shame burned deep within him. He was the one who had done this to her. He was to blame for the pain she was going through. His heart clenched as she pulled out the chair across from him and sat down, placing her bag on the table in front of her. Given the sombre situation, he tried not to smile. She was still carrying the bag he had bought her with his first proper savings from the café he used to work in as a teenager. It wasn’t anything spectacular or dazzling expensive but she had fallen in love with it the minute she laid eyes on it as they perused the market stalls on a day trip to Dublin not long after they had started dating. He had made a promise to himself to go back and buy it when he had enough put by for it. He silently hoped that this was a good sign; that she could at least start to think about forgiving him if she was still holding onto it. , as if reading his mind and noting his wishful thinking, immediately picked it up again only to drop it carelessly on the floor.
The sounds of the lawyers’ voices droned on and on in monotone. barely moved, saved for the steady motion of her chest as she breathed in an out, as her own lawyer ran over the contents of the papers for what seemed like the thousandth time, willing herself to have the strength to even pick up the pen. As if feeling like a failure wasn’t enough, her biggest mistake to date was watching her every move, chewing on his fingernails – a habit she had always told him off for. When the lawyer was finished speaking, a strange sensation creeped over her body and she watched as her hand picked up the pen as though it were possessed.
“So I just have to sign and initial where the stickers are and we’re done?”
“Yes.”
All of a sudden, a gentle calmness washed over her and she poised herself ready to sign, her wrist hovering over the dotted line.
“That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a long time,” her words were cold but laced with relief. The arduous tension in the air dropped, replaced with heavy heartbreak. She could tell that Shane was devastated by the tremble in his own hands and disbelief that he had even sent the petition for divorce several months before. She took her time in signing her signature. If she had to wait nearly a year for him to stop dithering over signing the rest of the documents and putting up so many obstacles then he could wait the mere minutes she would spend drawing out hers.
“Baby, please. You can’t do this.”
She continued to sign her name next to the various stars and arrows, his signatures now long-dried in the fields next to hers; “The only thing I’m doing, Shane, is giving you what you want. You did all this on your own.”
“That isn’t fair,” he yelled slamming his hands down onto the mahogany table that separated them.
She stopped writing, pen mid-air to reply matter-of-factly; “Oh, and having your mistress turn up at my home with divorce papers from you was?”
“She wouldn’t have done it if you had been home when I brought them over.”
“Well sorry that I was busy having a miscarriage.” The room fell silent. Their respective lawyers froze, sharing a look. They simultaneously stood up and walked out of the door, giving them some privacy. They would deal with the aftermath once the pair had hashed it out.
Shane’s face paled, his forehead beading with sweat; “You… what?”
She stared down at the table unable to look at him for fear of breaking down; “You heard me.” She dropped the pen she had been holding and it bounced singularly, rolling off the table. The silence was deafening.
He tried to reach for her hands across the table but she retracted them before he could, crossing them tightly over her chest.
“When were you planning on telling me?”
Her head snapped up, her eyes cold; “Why do you think I was so happy that you were coming home just for one day? I walked in expecting to see my best friend there to help me make a special, celebratory dinner for you but instead I find you and her rolling around in our bed. It’s not my fault that you have the worst timing in the world and couldn’t wait to get your end away before I got back.”
He sat back, clearly stunned so she decided to continue.
“After I threw you out I started to feel unwell – severely unwell. I felt so ill to the point that I had to call an ambulance because I couldn’t move for the pain. I couldn’t call you, I couldn’t even call . I spent three days in hospital and a further two weeks in ‘s house in pain, in tears knowing that I was losing our baby. You were the last person that I wanted and I certainly couldn’t go home because of the nightmare you had put me through. I had to go through all of that on my own because our marriage meant nothing to you and my friendship meant nothing to her so don’t you dare play the victim when we both know for a fact that, had it not been for all the stress and trauma you put me through we wouldn’t be sitting here. If I had meant anything to you at all you’d never have married me in the first place. You don’t cheat on someone you’re in love with, Shane and you certainly don’t get to be babied…” the word caught in her throat, “just because you ruined everything.”
He couldn’t find the right words to say. Hell, he couldn’t even form a sentence had he been able to.
She have him a harsh glare; “Is that explanation enough or do you want me to continue because I really would like to get this over with so I can try to move on just like you did?”
Again, words failed him. He sat there with his mouth agape at risk of several insects flying in.
She pushed her chair back, its legs making a dull rubbing sound against the carpet, picked up her bag from the floor and left. The door closed behind her, severing her from the only world that she knew. As soon as she was out of the building and out of sight from the main flow of pedestrian traffic she leaned up against its exterior. Her shoulders shook and she felt hot tears of relief streaming down her face. It was over. It was finally over.